Fever-Induced Thoughts...

It's been a very introspective past few days. I found myself thinking a lot about different relationships, and wondering exactly what the point of it all was. In reflection, it seems that the more I've opened myself up to people, the more I've been burned. Maybe I need to chalk it up to people taking my kindness for weakness, I don't know. I hate thinking back to the past, especially when the future looks so much more promising, but you never know where you're going until you know where you've been. I guess that's why I often revisit the past in order to gain a better understanding of things and take a refresher course on how to not make the same mistakes again.

Where some people drink, gamble, or smoke their pain away, I have a weird fascination with running towards it instead of away. I find myself getting lost in thinking about the past, the different people who've hurt me, ways I would have handled situations if given a second chance, and what I might do or say to some folks if I ever saw them again. Its like having the chicken pox....it feels so good to scratch the itch, but scratch too much and you're left with scars.

I know I'm completely over some situations. There may be some residual sadness when I look back on them, but the anger is gone, and I'm calm. Some situations, I'm not over yet. How do I know? Because I'm still angry, still want to hurt some like they've hurt me, still want get back at you and let you feel some pain yourself. I know its only a matter of time before the anger dissolves, but I can at least admit I'm not there yet with some. The most frustrating of all are the situations where I have no idea how to compartmentalize my feelings. Do I sit down and have a heart to heart, laying everything on the line to come to a mutual understanding? Do I say f*ck that, and use anger to fuel my thoughts? Do I just bask in your insignificance and ignore it all? I still don't know what to do sometimes. I'm trying to figure it out.

Maybe it's just the fever and medications talking right now, but I just needed to get this off my chest...memories can be a bitch sometimes, but good or bad, they're necessary.
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